Beauty in the Breakdown- Slut Shamming in Middle School

 
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There is a skating rink in Houston, Texas called Fun Plex. During my 7th grade and even 8th grade school year I couldn't wait to go to Fun Plex. It was a place where I could be with my friends, where could stare at all of the cute boys, and where the cute boys would stare back at me. Growing up I wasn't the prettiest of all of my friends but I sure did carry myself like it. I would always have the cutest clothes and I would even have cute hairstyles-- during that time.

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There were days and nights when I would stare in the mirror and hate my bad ache and hate my body. I would grab my pudges and touch in my face and wish it would all go away. However, I carried myself a certain way when I went to Fun Plex because boys noticed me. As long as they thought I was pretty, I was pretty. I didn't realize it then of how much of an insecurity that was.

Throughout middle school and my 9th grade year of high school I can remember being boy crazy. As long as boys liked it, I entertained it. I would say explicit things to boys and I would entertain multiple boys at once. I would never really do anything with them, but I loved the attention I was getting.

During my 9th grade year of school there was this guy I was crazy over. He loved the sexual things I would say to him. I knew that was my way of keeping him close so I would say whatever I could think of to keep him interested. A lot of girls at my school liked him. We dated for a little while, he dated one other girl after me, then he was single. Even single, we still had our secret thing.

The next semester came along and a new girl attended our school. Of course, they became a couple. His girlfriend was younger than me, so she was a grade below me. She and I didn't get along, we actually never got along from the time she arrived to the school. She found out I was messing with her boyfriend and from that day forward she made it noticeable. All of the other girls in her grade followed behind her-- even the girls who I would call my, "little sisters." So, no one in her grade level liked me.

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Crazy thing is, I loved the attention. I loved not being liked by so many girls. I still had friends, all of the girls in the 9th grade loved me. It was the 8th graders who didn't care for me so much (I went to a preparatory school 6th-12th grade). It amazed me how girls who were once my friends, decided to not like me because another girl told them not to, over a boy. We even got in a fight. It was ridiculous. Her boyfriend and I remained friends. Some years later she and I even became cordial.

My 9th grade year of school was crazy. My 10th grade year was even crazier. My 10th grade year is when I started experimenting with girls and when I became extremely rebellious. However, for this blog, I want to stay on topic-- boys.

The beauty in going through all that I went through in middle school and in 9th grade is that I gained true friends and learned the importance of being a leader.

My closet friends during that time never stopped being there for me, they even got into arguments just to defend me. We are all still friends today. I learned that true friends stick by you in tough situations and they never let the opinions of others change their minds about you.

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Since then I've always only kept women close who have that mindset-- the mindset that says, "I know your heart, I know your loyalty, I know what kind of friend you are to me, so I'm sticking by you." I also learned the importance of being a leader. I never stopped being me during that time in my life. I didn't beg people to be my friend. I marched to the beat of my own drum.

Lastly, I learned that I shouldn't do things to impress men-- men are idiots. Everything I do is because of the woman I am called to be. I do everything to be the woman God is calling me to be. I love my body, mind, and spirit. I love me because God loves me, not because men do.

"She is more precious than rubies." Proverbs 3:15

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