What Becoming a New Young Mom Taught Me About Life


By Toky Smith

I am a young mother who didn’t get married or have a career first. I am a young mother raising a daughter in a world, trying to finish school to start my career, dealing with relationships and just trying to become a better me.

I got an email a few days ago from a young lady name Naomi. She asked me how do I cope with being a young mom in the world of today and how do I cope with my baby daddy? Has he ever cheated on me and what did I do if he did? And what advice do I have for new young mothers?

I was very skeptical about answering this email, but I want people to know me and learn from me so I decided not to hide anything.

Life is the most difficult exam and most of us fail because we try to copy others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.

Being a young mother in this era is kind of hard especially if you come from a home where the only thing you know is marriage first, then kids.

My mother wanted us to get married before Ava, my daughter, was born. I was so not ready and I know he wasn’t at all. Most mothers my age are judged because some say they were reckless or didn’t have enough self-discipline or just wasn’t raised right because they decided to have kids at an early age. Some even say if it was them they would have had an abortion.

One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t let others opinions about your life bother you. Whether you are doing good or bad, people will always have something negative to say. It is life. Do not base your actions on other people’s opinions.

When I was pregnant, I knew all my friends wanted me to have an abortion and they could tell I was not ready for a child. Honestly, I wasn’t. But, I didn’t let that stop me from having Ava and I am thankful to God I made that decision every day.

While I was pregnant, I decided to get ready and prepare myself mentally for the challenge ahead. The world of today, everyone is so wrapped up in what their neighbors are doing and how they are doing it that they forget to focus on themselves and look for ways to better themselves.

When you care more about others’ opinions and when you don’t focus on what matters to you, I see it as not having self-love. One thing I learned the hard way is that no one can tell me I need to listen to their opinion on my life, I’m sorry. I will choose to listen if I feel like it is relevant and I am not the type of girl to be too stubborn to take good advice. But, for young mothers out there, do not – and I repeat, do not – let the world tell you why they think you shouldn’t have had your kid early or why they think you were this or that. At the end of the day that was the best decision you ever made in your life.

How do I cope with my daughter’s dad? To be honest, I just try not to kill him. I’m joking. We have our ups and down like any other relationship and at times we do catch ourselves just making a lot of mistakes. But I’ve learned that what we do with the mistakes and how we learn from it is all that matters.

From time to time, I ask myself do I really see myself being with him for the rest of my life, and upon everything we have been through I actually do.

My friends know I love hard and I don’t like being lied to at all. The worst thing a person can do is lie to me.

I tell him even if you do the worse of the worse, let me know and I’ll decide where we go from there or how we handle the situation. No relationship is perfect. Most people see us now and say we are happy that I have everything all jolly for me. I am happy, yes.  

I’ve learned that not everything needs a reaction. I state how I feel on every situation but I do not react to every situation. There are some situations that sorry is all I want to hear and some I don’t want to see you do the same thing again and vice versa with him.

I know most of you want to know if he has cheated on me before, and the answer is yes. Why did I still stay with him? I am still with him despite that because he’s my future. Upon me finding out that he cheated and lied to me, I forgave him. At times, I ask myself why and wonder why he cheated. I even asked him. For a while, I thought the problem was with me and maybe I wasn’t good enough or maybe I wasn’t doing something right. He made me doubt myself, and then I just realized that the problem was never me, it was him.

I love him, but just because I see him as my future does not mean I will not be able to move on if he ever disrespects me in a way of no return. It is all preference; some girls will cut you off once you cheat and some wouldn’t.

For new young mothers, please take every day one day at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself. Do not concern yourself with what you don’t have, instead be grateful for what you do have and be patient with your child’s father. If he’s making efforts to be there for you and the kid, let him be there and try to communicate because without communication there will be a lot of problems.

For more of Toky, visit her blog, Diary of a Young Mom.