Too Many Questions, Not Enough Answers
By Jeanette Ambers
My emotions have consumed me these past few weeks!
Usually, I am really good at shrugging things off, letting things go and not caring too much. But when my mind is running wild, I lose control. I start to feel things!
I know it may not sound right and I "should" be feeling all the time.
But I shut out a lot of feelings a really long time ago.
Most times when I feel, I think I am over-reacting.
It was what I was taught. I remember hearing it all the time.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Oh, you are fine."
"Stop crying, its ugly."
Or, more straight up, "You’re overreacting" and "You think too much."
Not that I am complaining one bit about these sentences, I have heard them all my life! All of that has given me the strength I have today!
However, I won't lie, when emotions and these feelings hit me at an overwhelming fast rate, I cannot help but think too much, cry, and feel slightly sorry for myself...yeah I said it!
I've been through depression. I know what that feels like.
I know the feeling of wanting to possibly take your own life, convincing yourself that no one would care.
It is so much easier to sleep then to live, right?!
Wanting to throw yourself in front of a car.
Hoping you don’t wake up in the morning.
I know those feelings.
I had them for a really really long time in my life!
Today I am a survivor.
I came out of that dark hole. Yet lately, I find myself standing right in front of that edge. I won’t jump though! I know what I have and I love my life!
Yet, certain areas of my life are consuming me in such a way that I become numb and lost. I don't want to fight or argue. I don't want negativity. I don't want to be alone forever. I don't want the feeling of uncertainty. I don't want to face reality because of my decisions.
I can't carry the weight! I can't move on! I can't find my center. I can't stand tall. I can't give up everything. I can't ever be sure of what I want either.
I know what the right decisions are but my logic or my heart (whatever it is) will not give in.
I think too much. I question too much.
I tear myself up in thought. I think I overreact to situations way too much.
But am I? Am I overreacting?
When does overreacting actually become something worthy of a real reaction?
When is it time to change reality?
How do you know it is right?
How would I even start over? Is it called starting over anymore when you already have so much?
Is it possible or am I dreaming of things that are unrealistic? Is it always, really, going to be the same?
The grass is surely not always greener on the other side!! Is It?
I have my good days and my bad days. I am just like everyone else on this earth. Stuck! Left figuring out life all on your own.
But you know in the end, I have my health and my kids have their health. I have my friends and my family.
I have me and no matter what life brings me, I am still standing up here today!
To keep up with Jeanette’s journey through motherhood and life, follow her on Instagram, @jeanette_ambers, or visit her website, www.jeanetteambers.com.