How to Fully Surrender & Remove the Shame of Your Past
By Teni Adebayo
Honestly, I don’t know what I’m about to write.
Aching heart, strangled emotion, how could the past burn like this?
I’d prayed every time it surfaced.
Repented when I remembered.
And, cried over that choice.
Why did mine have to be so bad?
How could few minutes of my life hold me in so much captivity?
Which words could I borrow to write such wickedness?
Which words could define me? Child molester?
Cursed curiosity. Indecent intentions. Few minutes, Heaven & hell watching. One child, victimized. Molested.
Oh, how I wish I was that child. But, no. I had been the perpetrator. The Molester.
I mean, how do you tell your parents that trusted you, that you’d inappropriately touched a child?
Years rolled by, and I had buried it. I couldn’t even recall it myself, but He has been digging deep lately. Delivering me from things I was unaware of, and revealing a past I was still a slave too.
I got confused. I was saved, forgiven, healed, and changed. He had even confirmed these things. I had heard them loud in the quiet of my soul. Forgiven. New. Saved.
Why did it haunt me still? Why did He choose me still?
Then He reminded me of John 9. He reminded me about the man that had been born blind, not because of his sin or his parent’s sin. It happened “so the power of God could be seen in him” (v.3).
However, before Jesus healed this man, He rubbed mud on his eyes, mud He formed from spitting on the ground. He used the dirt everyone stepped upon, and spat on it, softened it & He made the mud. He spread the mud on the blind man’s eyes, on darkness. The blind man couldn’t see the Light (v.5) but Jesus saw him. The Light found him, in his darkness.
Then Jesus told the man to wash himself in the “pool of Siloam” which means “sent,” and Jesus is the one Sent from God. Jesus was directing the blind to Himself, directing him to the Living Water.
Now, note, the forerunner of the blind man’s closed eyelids was the mud. The epilogue of this dirty blind walk had been healing & soaking, both from the Living Water. Both for the blind & the mud.
Jesus identified my dirt, He’d use my mess, mold it into the mud & be a Messiah on earth.
The loudest I had heard God speak to me was when I asked Him what type of nurse He wanted me to be. I begged Him that night, & that was the loudest I heard. Clear, & ringing in my ears & eyes - Pediatric Nurse.
I couldn’t quite get it, why me? I wanted to be in Hospice, comforting & giving hope to those before they took their last breath but He had other plans.
Months later, now I get it. Healing the Hurt. Redeeming the Rejected.
If you’re reading this, you’re either the dirt, the blind, or you’ve been both. I’ll expain.
Dirt: You believe you don’t deserve anything, and yes, you truly don’t. No one does, but you live by this. You feel your mess is too messy. Jesus is not surprised by your mess. He knew how messy you could get, & He still chose you, without regret.
Real love is not easy, because it’s real. He’ll use your mess. He’ll use it to save you from darkness, and save others too. Sometimes, my friends tell me if they went to church God would roast them or wouldn’t hear their prayers because of what they have done. That’s one of the biggest lies you can sing to yourself. He’s interested in the dirt, more than the decent. He wants you to invite Him to your darkness. There’s power in your story, there’s power in your surrender.
Blind: You possibly see no need for Him. You can’t even see Him, or His works. It’s all a tale to you. That’s the point, that’s blindness. A Sovereign God would go to the lowest to bring you sight, He would break the grainy interior heart of another to make you breakthrough that blindness. He loves you that much.
Dirt & Blind, we have a common need. Him. Living Water.
“Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming”
Out of Hiding (Father’s Song) by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger.
Truly, nothing is impossible to Him. This was impossible, for me.
So there, that’s my dirt. Buried before in the fragile soil of myself. Now, in the inferior décor of Calvary’s cross.
Now, no more past in my present. No more a prisoner to my past. This is not my salvation story, no I’ve been given sight. This is my surrender song.
So, to Salvation, Sight & Surrender in 2016. My best year yet.
Still, my best is yet to come.
To the molested, abused, raped, rejected, scorned, hurt: Sorry, you didn’t deserve any of that. I pray you let Him heal you.
To the molester, abuser, rapist, and scorner: Woe to your choices. Nevertheless, I pray you let go, & let Him.
Your brokenness is welcome here: firstname.lastname@example.org, or in the comments.
Blog Credit: Holy Spirit, Bible.