The Life of the Highly Dysfunctional Functional College Adult


By Manuela Domingos

Hi there. Imagine, you’re getting ready for bed. It’s 9 PM, and your phone is vibrating uncontrollably. You’re stuck in a group message about a party that occurred last night that you did not attend. Why? You were too busy stressing out about the exam you have on Wednesday.  

You decided to stay in for the night to study, but instead found yourself browsing the famous web, looking at hilarious memes. You glance at your phone and realize that it’s 1 AM. You silently beat yourself up for wasting invaluable time that could’ve otherwise been spent studying. Then you beat yourself up for not going out with your girls.

Nonetheless,  you switch your phone to “Do Not Disturb,” and tuck into bed. But you’re wide awake. You can’t stop thinking about the many responsibilities awaiting you for the week. Like the fact that you have to get your engine checked, the transmission, and a new inspection sticker. You also have to catch up on your sanity, because somehow you forgot it in the pocket of your old jeans that are now three sizes too tight on you.

You also have to catch up on your sanity, because somehow you forgot it in the pocket of your old jeans that are now three sizes too tight on you.

It’s 2 AM now and since you’re still awake, you decide to log on to Facebook and stalk his social media page. Only to find out that an ominous suspicious female has tagged him in a photo. You begin to weep. You cry so much that you vow to never give your heart to a man again and then you go to sleep.  

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The following week you flirt with the cute guy at the kickback, get his number, and indulge in a private session of Netflix reruns in his dorm room.

The week after that, you find out that his jealous ex-girlfriend wants him back. When you ask him about this revelation, he replies with an odious short text message: “It be like dat sometimes.” This leaves you thinking that you probably should have stuck with the pre-law student who could, at least construct a coherent grammatical sentence. Despite the fact that said pre-law student had an ego the size of your college’s football stadium. 

The weekend arrives. You have the choice to either a) Go out with your girls, get a few drinks and dance with a few guys you don’t even plan to make eye-contact with throughout the whole night, or b) Stay in for the night, do some self-introspection and get closer to the Lord.

You decide to go with option A. While you’re at the bar ordering your next vodka soda, you realize that you probably should have picked option B. 

At the end of the night, you’re dropped at home. “Bye girl!” you screech as you stumble out of her car. After all, you actually did have a fun night and you’re not ashamed to admit it. Once in your bathroom, you realize that you look like E.T.’s cousin. Your hair is a mess, your make-up has mysteriously evaporated, and your eyes can hardly focus on the reflection staring back at you.

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You go to bed. And of course, you wake up with a hangover the next morning. But you must go to church because your parents don’t play when it comes to worship.

On the way to church you silently wonder about the trajectory of your life. You question if you’re on the right path and you vow to do better. By the time you get out of church, your friends are already texting you about the next party that you all must attend.

OH, the joys of being a highly dysfunctional functional adult.

 Keep up with Manuela on Instagram, @_manuelad